Say Cheese!
by Tsukiko no Yuki
Summary: Sakura is desperate to move on from her One Big Crush, and one day, she finds the literally PERFECT answer. But, being in love with a Gary-Stu is far from easy; especially when he isn't human, and you've got a million yen debt to pay to be with him... SxS


_**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, nor will I ever do so. If I one day will, though, you're free to donate coconuts and cheesecakes to me so that I -will- make SasuSaku canon.**_

Warnings: Extreme randomness. Extreme Gary-Stuness. Or something. Please don't die on me.

Loosely based on an Absolute Boyfriend, but, uh, much, _much_ less serious?

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**PrettyinPunk!'s Blog: Nov 2****nd**** 2008  
**10:30 a.m.

**Mood: **Zombified (is there even such a word?)  
**Music: **Yellowcard – Only One (see, I _do_ listen to rock!)  
**Title: **a dream is a wish your heart makes

Why can't I have that?

It's so unfaaaair…

I don't even know why I do this, seriously. Reading about your One Big Crush and his New Girlfriend in her blog isn't really my idea of spending the last few hours of liberty before I'm back to my death penalty and personal Fox River – yeah, I'm a Prison Break freak – _school_.

You know, what Ino says is right: if I'm going to torture myself, I might as well just go and cut myself with razorblades, go transform into a stereotypical emo kid or something, and go around all day wishing I were dead.

And unlike what _some _person who shall not be named (but we can say as much that her name begins on Ten, ends with ten, she has got buns and she's just slightly unhealthily infatuated with weapons) says, my problems are not _less _just because I don't.

Now, where do they sell chains and spikes and everything?

… Wait, the spikes don't hurt, do they?

Oops. Got to log out – Kurenai-sensei is looking this way, so it'd better look like I'm actually researching blood cancer. But I'll be back soon – fifteen minutes to comment, girls, I give you fifteen minutes.

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**oo0. transparent**

"_He obliged Cinderella to sit down, and, putting the slipper to her little foot, he found it went on very easily, and fitted her as if it had been made of wax._" – Charles Perrault

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_Please enter your email address and not your username.  
_**login: **sakurah(a) konoha . edu  
**password: **obsidian

**Answers (2):**

_Answer to 'a dream is a wish your heart makes' by blondenotbimbo:  
_When am I ever _not _right? And sweetie, you wouldn't be able to pull off an emo even if all the emo's suddenly disappeared and you were the only wannabe left. And oh, you need to change your password, it's _way _too easy. Give me a challenge, no?

_Answer to blondenotbimbo:  
_Oh, shut up, Ino, at least I've got pink hair. (Hah!) Consider yourself the loser. And what the hell is _wrong _with you and Tenten? Why do you need to hack into my account anyway????

_Answer to 'a dream is a wish your heart makes' by goddessofweapons:  
_I'm _not _unhealthily obsessed with weapons! And anyway, you're one to talk, you're obsessed with _blogging_. Unfortunately, the spikes don't hurt – they do as much good as some shiny pieces of rubber. And oh, like Ino said – you need a password. I mean, 'obsidian'? That sounds like you tried to write about Sasuke in a poem or something. Please tell me you didn't do that.

_Answer to goddessofweapons:  
_DO. NOT. SAY. REAL. NAMES. ON. INTERNET.

_Answer to PrettyinPunk!:  
_Whoooaaa, chill, Sakura. Anyway, you broke the rules first – you know how it is, treat others like you want to be treated, yeah?

_Delete the post Answer to 'a dream is a wish your heart makes' by goddessofweapons?  
_**OK** – Cancel

_Post successfully deleted. Click here if you're not redirected to the main page in less than 10 seconds._

* * *

**You Have a New Message From: **Ino  
uuugh, i'm so bored

**New Message:  
**Tell me something I don't know. Cheerleading practice, again?  
_Message sent_

**You Have a New Message from: Ino  
**well, at least u r not stuck with miss whiny purple bitch. her roots r showing, that's why she's screamin her head off.

**New Message:  
**Blame yourself for being with the preps. And please, please, PLEASE, save me from the agony of reading 'u' and 'r'. Is it seriously going to kill you to write out the entire word?  
_Message sent_

**You Have A New Message from: Ino  
**whatever, sakura. you are seriously the only one i know who react to stuff like that. fine, if it'll stop your whining… party tonight at karin's, coming or not?

**New Message:  
**Party, at Karin's, seriously? Ugh… if you want me to spill some blood (and not mine) on her parents' 10 000$ carpet, sure, I'll be there.  
_Message sent_

**You Have A New Message from: Ino  
**srsly. sure, why not? while you're at it, you can spill some on her new lv shoes, too. i swear, if i hear _one _more word about them being specially made… and hey, you know who's gonna be there. probably.

**New Message:  
**SERIOUSLY, Ino, not SRSLY. PLEASE.  
_Message sent_

**You Have A New Message from: Ino  
**i'm _so _sorry. or should i say '_soz_'?

**New Message:  
**Ugh. I swear, Ino, one of these days, you'll be getting an F in Japanese. (1)  
_Message sent_

**You Have A New Message from: Ino  
**omg, you're worse than hinata. at least she doesn't say THAT. and don't jinx it, i'm having a test 2morrow.

**New Message:  
**That's just because Hinata is… well, Hinata. At least she knows how to write TOMORROW or SERIOUSLY. Kakashi-sensei's lecture is so boring. If he at least lifted his head from that damn orange perverted book, i –

* * *

_Please enter your email address and not your username.  
_**login: **sakurah(a) konoha . edu  
**password: **onyx

**PrettyinPunk!'s Blog: Nov 2****nd**** 2008  
**4:21 p.m.

**Mood: **Blah  
**Music: **Linkin Park – Leave Out All The Rest (I'm _making _a progress, I swear)  
**Title: **orange equals crap

You know, bad teachers really shouldn't exist. Or perverted ones, for that matter.

Or how about this: the two negative things rolled into one?

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about: damn Kakashi-sensei and his orange book to the deepest pits of hell.

I mean, seriously. I don't even get how he s_aw _me – or worse, how he managed to pitch that piece of crumpled paper right at my head with that speed – when he didn't even take his eyes (or drool) away from that gross book.

Worse is, Tsunade-shishou can't even fire him, because he's so damn _good_, being able to keep discipline and teach the students so much, even with his porn.

But oh, like it wasn't enough that I've a shitload of homework, a (REALLY) tiresome but cool internship at the best hospital in the entire of Japan (yeah, I know – I'm too young to be an intern, but I'm so good I was accepted anyway), and my mom to take care of.

Detentions?? Great. Just frickin' _awesome_. He even said that since I've already had a period of detentions twice just this semester alone, he's going to call my mom and have a 'little chat' with her.

'A little chat' my ass. Well, unless you call 'chatting up' having 'a little chat'…

And there's no FRICKIN' way I'm letting my bishie-sensitive mom close that damn pervert and his orange book.

It's all your fault, Pig. (Happy now that I don't use your real name??) I swear, when I get the spikes, and I mean the real stuff, not the fake rubber shit Panda is going on about, I'll hunt you down and stab you.

_Answer to 'orange equals crap' by blondenotbimbo:  
_Only you, Sakura, would stay put in the hell-hole we call school just to go online and blog about your day. Only _you_.  
… No honey, you're not weird, you're just special. Or something.  
Ooh, I'll be waiting for the day you get the 'real' stuff. I'm so scared I think I might just duck under my bed and hide out there all day. NOT. And yes, I _am_ indeed happy. Although, why not ditch 'Pig' and think of something cooler – like 'Purple Beauty'? Or, you know, 'Flower Princess'. Whatever fits.  
And your password still isn't hard enough. 'Onyx'? Seriously? It's just a synonym to obsidian.

_Answer to blondenotbimbo:  
_And only you, Pig, would dash home just to go online to read my blog and answer it.  
Oh, shut your big trap. Or maybe I'll be able to make you literally do that when I get the spikes. Yes, you _should _fear me. Phear the p0wer of the P!nK dh00m. Now be a good Pig and hide under your bed.  
And you know, since I use a codename for you, you should do the same for me. I mean, it's only fair. So don't use my real name on Internet for the 10000000th time, PLEASE?  
Urgh. Is this even worth it? You and Panda will just hack right into my account no matter how I change the password.  
Now, since you were a bad girl and used my real name online, I'm deleting your post. Farewell.

_Answer to PrettyinPunk!:  
_Okay, okay, _Forehead Girl_, I won't use your REAL NAME anymore. Way to overreact, hun – you'll develop early wrinkles.  
And yes, it's worth it, or else me and Panda will cry 'cause you're depriving us of our cool hacker skillz.

_Delete the post Answer to 'a dream is a wish your heart makes' by blondenotbimbo?  
_**OK** – Cancel

_Post successfully deleted. Click here if you're not redirected to the main page in less than 10 seconds._

* * *

**New Message:  
**Tenten, are you coming to the party tonight? I'll seriously need someone to restrain me from flaying Karin alive, and Ino sure as hell won't help me. She'll probably just whip out her cell and record it or something so she can put it on Youtube.  
_Message sent_

**You Have a New Message from: Tenten  
**oooh, sounds like fun soz can't come tho h comin to japan tonite

**New Message:  
**Are you seriously doing that to piss me off, or have you just talked to Naruto? Either way, you're supposed to CALM ME DOWN before I see Karin… not get me so worked up I'll probably just tear down her house when I get there.  
_Message sent_

**You Have a New Message from: Tenten  
**just kidding. yes, i know you love me too, hun. anyway, hinata's mom sent her home a month earlier than planned, but the hyuuga mansion is still under construction so she's staying at my place, so i'm picking her up at the airport tonight.

**New Message:  
**Seriously?! Omg, I'm so happy. We haven't seen her since last Christmas, and that was only like, five minutes or something. But wait, that means Neji is coming back, too, right?  
_Message sent_

**You Have a New Message from: Tenten  
**yeah, i guess.

**New Message:  
**How do you feel about it?  
_Message sent_

**You Have a New Message from: Tenten  
**there's nothing to feel. he's just neji.

**New Message:  
**Really? You sure you don't wanna come to this party? I could save a couple of tequila shots for you, you know, your favorite. You can bring Neji and Hinata too, if they want to come.  
_Message sent_

**You Have a New Message from: Tenten  
**thanks, sakura, but i'll be fine. it's really not that bad, you know, i promise.

**New Message:  
**I sure hope. But if I see as much as _one _tint of redness in your eyes tomorrow…  
_Message sent_

**You Have a New Message from: Tenten  
**then you'll have my personal permission to flay _him _alive. well, it's not gonna happen, so don't worry. i'm done crying for him. wish i could say the same thing about you.

**New Message:  
**What do you mean?  
_Message sent_

**You Have a New Message from: Tenten  
**you know what i mean, sakura. don't act stupid – we see the red in your eyes every time after you've seen him with that red-haired slut. there're so many great guys out there, i really don't see why you're so obsessed with him. hell, even ino got over him. and look at you, listening at rock and stuff just to relieve of your pain or whatever. so many other guys like you, and you don't even give them a chance, cuz sasuke is all you care about. forget him, sakura – he's really not worth it.

**New Message:  
**That's stupid, Tenten – even though I really, REALLY like him, I don't cry over him anymore, I don't think I've ever had, and I seriously don't give a frickin' damn about Karin. You know I just get pissed off because he's with _her_, I'd be perfectly fine with whoever he chose to be with but Karin's just

_Save in Outbox?  
_Yes – **No**

**New Message:  
**You know my eyes are red because of lack of sleep after long hours at the hospital. Don't be overdramatic just because you know I still like him, and okay, maybe I DO cry when I think of what could've been and what never was, but it wasn't like there was a chance he would like me anyway or at least not more than a friend and it's just Lee who likes me anyhow so who cares about 'the other

_Save in Outbox?  
_Yes – **No**

**New Message:  
**Look, I really don't want to talk about this ten minutes before leaving for Karin's. And I'll have you know, I don't listen to rock because of _him_ – it's just my personal preference. So there. End of discussion. (And it's because, not cuz.)  
_Message sent_

* * *

_Please enter your email address and not your username.  
_**login: **sakurah(a)  
**password: **sooverhim

_You Have __**1**__ New Private Message._

**From: **blondenotbimbo  
**Subject: **get off the computer chair and get your ass over here, forehead girl  
**Sent: **Nov 2nd 08, 8:03 p.m.

I've been trying to reach you for over two hours, and don't pretend you're in the bath, 'cause you know as well as I that your mom can't lie to me (or, to anyone else for that matter), and I know you're in front of the computer, so don't lie tomorrow and say you weren't.

I just got a message from Tenten saying that you seem kind of upset because you were, err, talking about a touchy subject.

Listen, I know you hate Karin's guts so bad you probably just feel for tearing her ugly head off when you see her, and that it hurts to see her with Sasuke – and yes, I'm writing his name, nobody can see your private messages anyway besides you and me and Tenten – but I really, really want you to be happy, Sakura.

And I know you don't like drinking and partying and dancing like normal people do, and much prefer to just sit and sulk in the darkness of your room watching _Grey's Anatomy_ and _Friends_ reruns on your cable TV and blog about how mad you are, but parties are filled with _people_. It's a great chance to get to know them, and if not for making new friends, at least there're plenty of hot guys. If you don't feel for flirting, you can just get to know them and become friends.

(And don't say that you already have guy friends, because Naruto doesn't _count_ and you know it.)

So just get over here, _please_?

I've got to go, anyway. This Internet café is expensive as hell, and the chair is so freezing cold I think my bum just turned to ice. (Although the guy working here is pretty hot.)

Love you and see you soon,  
Ino

P.S. Don't pull your usual excuse saying it's too late for you to come anyway. You know glamorous people always arrive late.

* * *

**You Have a New Message from: Ino  
**congrats, u made it!!!! and DID it, i'll have to add. who's that worth-killing-AND-drooling-for hottie u r talkin with?

**New Message:  
**I can't believe I let you drag me to this. Although it's been fine so far – no Karin OR him in sight. And oh, that's just Sai, Naruto's friend or something. Or at least, I think they're friends – he just called Naruto dickless. I really don't want to know how he knows that. And it's YOU, not U, Ino.  
_Message sent_

**You Have a New Message from: Ino  
**oops. okay, fine, YOU should be thankful i dragged your sorry ass here. 'just' Sai??? are you CRAZY?? have you NOT noticed how hot he is?? and you really think naruto is gay?

**New Message:  
**Now that you mention he is, he is kind of good-looking, I guess. Well, I don't know, he and Sasuke have always been quite… _close_.  
_Message sent_

**You Have a New Message from: Ino  
**KIND of good-looking? well, better than nothing, i guess. so how's it going? how's he?? OMG, that's so true. you really think they're a gay couple?? then why would he be with sai?? OMG HE'S A GAY PIMP, ISN'T HE? I ALWAYS KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT HIM.

**New Message:  
**Uh, it's going okay, I guess. He's a merchant of some sorts – I don't get how it works, but his company develops rare products, 'dreams' or something. I don't get it, but yeah. He's nice, polite… although his smile seems kind of unnatural, if you ask me. Ew, please don't say that. If he's coming over here, I'll officially die out of humiliation – OMG, HE IS COMING OVER HERE.  
_Message sent_

**You Have a New Message from: Ino  
**who gives a damn about his unnatural smile?? YOU can teach him how to smile for real! SERIOUSLY?? OMG, I BET YOU'RE CRACKING UP. PLEASE ASK HIM HOW THE PIMPING'S GOING, PLEAAAAASE I BEG YOU ON MY VERY KNEES.

**New Message:  
**No, Ino, _HE_ is coming over here. With. The. Slut. Clinging. To. His. Arm.  
_Message sent_

**You Have a New Message from: Ino  
**OMG OMG OMG NO GET OUT OF HERE SAKURA RUN FOR THE FRICKIN' LOVE OF – waaaait a sec, i've got an idea. pull sai up and FRENCH him!!! RIGHT ON THE SPOT!

**You Have a New Message from: Ino  
**GOOD JOB, FOREHEAD! YOU GO, GIRL! you should've SEEN karin's face; she looked like she was gonna scream or something, she looked so mad. sasuke looks kind of mad, too. i can't believe you did it, tho – i'm so proud of you!!!! and sai is still smiling, so WAY TO GO!

**You Have a New Message from: Ino  
**uh, sakura?? why is he giving you a flipflop?? and can you PLEASE answer?

**You Have a New Message from: Ino  
**sakura?? just where the hell are you going?? and why does sasuke look so mad?

_Ino is calling…_

(1) Missed Call from Ino

_Ino is calling…_

(2) Missed Calls from Ino

**You Have a New Message from: Ino  
**ok, you're seriously freaking me out here!!! why won't you answer me and what are you guys doing?? are you kissing again or something?

**You Have a New Message from: Ino  
**HELLO, Forehead Girl, ANSWER ME!!!!!

**You Have a New Message from: Ino  
**sakura?!?!?!??!?!

* * *

WHERE HAS SAKURA GONE? WHERE, OH WHERE?

Okay, I'm kidding. Nothing serious has happened, I promise. This fic is nothing but NOT serious. Just wait and see. Or, well, there'll be a LITTLE seriousness, but nothing major.

I actually got the inspiration to do this when I originally meant the first three paragraphs of this the first journal entry to be my OWN journal entry. As a matter of fact, I DID read about my One Big Crush and his girlfriend in her blog the other day, although I sure as hell didn't have as deep feelings for him as Sakura did, nor do I care so much more than it hurts a little bit to read about how happy they are. But they really deserve each other, and they're so cute, too, so I really don't mind.

And oh, Mr. Gary-Stu is coming soon. I can give you a little spoiler: I got inspired when I read Twilight.

But as much as I love Twilight and Stephenie Meyer's works, not to mention the character himself (GUESS WHO???) it's impossible for me to endure a painfully romantic novel (even less an entire series of them) without writing SOME kind of sarcastic parody of the perfect romance.

And it's going to be in theaters in two weeks, folks! YAAAAAY!

And oh, I AM going to update The Boyfriend Test and -legasp!- Fear of the Light. I just need to get my USB revived ever since my sister accidentally dropped it to the floor.

I DEMAND YOU TO FEED REVIEWS TO THE REVIEW MONSTER. RAWR.

(1) Oh, I totally forgot to add - although I've written this in English, they're in Japan. So technically, they're speaking "Japanese".


End file.
